that post ends really abruptly but I’m not even sure what else to say

just thinking about things disjointedly

I have a friend who I’ve known for quite a long time. when he told me and my friends that he was trans, we ended up having a conversation and he asked me how I felt about my gender and how I’d like people to refer to me/view me etc… but at the time I brushed it off because I knew so little about the subject and just thought… that I wasn’t trans. but I am, and I wish that I had been made to question it more/more often when I was younger.

a bit later on he told me that he’s autistic, and we had a similar discussion about whether I, and some other friends, might also be autistic. again I kind of brushed it off and didn’t really think about it very much. now uh… I’m not really sure if I can call myself autistic, but I recently looked up some resources about it that were actually written by autistic people, since I could tell that the fucking dsm or whatever wasn’t really going to be a good source. and, well, there are a few things that apply to me, I think.

I don’t know if he noticed that in me, or anything to do with my gender, but I guess what I’m saying is… I wish for a lot of things. I wish that I had taken our conversations about it more seriously and really questioned my identity back then. but I also wish that there had been more than ONE person during 16 or so years of my life that had asked me those things directly, like really made me think about myself and what I am and what I wanted. I think there’s no excuse for the fact that it took me so long to realise things about myself and find words for them, that at 22 I am still learning words for things that I’ve felt since I was barely a teenager.

of course, people can and will continue to change throughout their whole life. I might change how I feel in the future and find some new words that define me. but the problem here is that I wasn’t allowed that during such a significant period of my life, because I was forced into boxes and no one told me that other possibilities existed, and I just thought I was weird and that there was nothing I could do, no one I could talk to about it, no way for me to develop, I just accepted that fact. at most, these things were a problem that I couldn’t really do anything about.

it’s strange to think what a bad place i was in just a few weeks ago…

i met up with friends, both long and short distance ones. I had my first testosterone shot on monday. on tuesday was the opening night of my degree show. yesterday i got my marks for this year back and confirmed that i now have a 2:1 degree. there are still a lot of negative things going on but i feel like i’m in a much better place (albeit still a bit too busy for my liking, hah) and ready to start a lot of things anew. things really can turn around pretty quickly when you least expect it.

I kind of want to try studying Icelandic again after I finish university. I missed my last opportunity to get involved on an actual course studying it whilst I’m still in london but it might be a nice thing to keep myself occupied with it if I can dedicate myself.

I logged into my other tumblr for a while and was immediately struck by things I do not like so I’m staying on this one for a while.

I actually managed to do something fairly productive this afternoon though, so that’s good. an improvement.

I’m sorry things are tough for you *hugs* I wish I could tell you some way that would make things better for you but I don’t know. :c

thank you, I really appreciate it… I’m sure that eventually things will improve, I haven’t totally lost hope for that. I just need to get through this difficult period first somehow. 


super belated comic for onoda’s birthday… it was an excuse to draw my one true bicycle pairing (aka midousuji x onoda)
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super belated comic for onoda’s birthday… it was an excuse to draw my one true bicycle pairing (aka midousuji x onoda)

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I don’t think I feel better yet for writing that out but maybe I will soon, I don’t know

recently I’m really struggling. every day almost everything I look at makes me upset and angry, both irl (though I don’t really interact with many people irl…) and online (apart from my private twitter)… I tried blacklisting stuff on tumblr but I eventually realised that wasn’t really helping because I would just constantly see stuff I didn’t wanna see regardless. I also keep getting angry over really petty things.I have trouble getting out of bed, feeling bad all the time, etc…

I’m pretty sure I know why all this is happening. I live somewhere I really hate being in (and yet I have to stay here because I don’t really have anywhere better to go). I have less than a month now until my degree show, and that’s it, that’s the end of university for me. Everything hangs on what I make for that show, basically, because it’s the most important module of my whole degree. So that really stressed me out. and on top of that, I am so fucking sick of dealing with the gender identity clinic and gender in general. I don’t want to go into it right now but it’s fucking horrible and painful. I honestly think that if I didn’t have gender dysphoria things would be nowhere near as awful for me at the moment, but it’s crippling, and I can’t do anything about it because the system is so fucking slow and terrible and poorly funded. e.g. after about a week of trying to get someone at the clinic to answer the phone, someone finally rang me back on monday and we had a conversation, and I was told they’d ring me back later. they still haven’t. how the fuck are trans people supposed to hold on through this? it’s already taken me YEARS to get to this stage, and now there is not reason for them not to give me what I want, they are just agonisingly slow and difficult about every single thing and I’m so sick of it.

I can’t wait for all this to be over so I can get my life back on track and maybe stop being so depressed and angry every waking moment. I don’t even aspire to anything big. I just want to not feel like shit every day. I wish that wasn’t apparently such a difficult thing to achieve.


I haven’t used this blog in ages